Fun with Farts

Warning: This blog does discuss the fact that girls do fart, if that is uncomfortable to you please skip to previous or next blog.

I feel like I should get the dick and fart jokes away and done with at the beginning. Since my first blog was about the male genitalia this second one is about a very special and dear story about how we both started farting in front of each other. Long ago, in the first months of courtship, we were still trying to impress each other, mainly by trying not to be as disgusting as we really are. After two months of not releasing any toots in front of my new comedian boyfriend and spending almost 24/7 with each other, I thought I might explode. My stomach pain was so bad that AJ thought I might be with child or worse (I know what could be worse right?) Thank god one of my best friends was getting married in New Orleans and AJ could not go. As soon as I got to the hotel I unleashed the most horrid demon in the bathroom which promptly inspired my friend to call AJ and tell him that we should take the next step in our relationship and start being honest with each other. That's all the permission he needed. I get home, its night time, the winter winds whipping outside our window as we snuggle under the thick blankets, AJ holds me close slowly pulling the covers over my head and whispers in my ear “drink me in”. I'm not sure what he is doing, mistaking him for being sweet and snugly I let him hold me closer. The violation of my body and nose especially I would not wish upon my worst enemy. The fart made the leaded paint of our bedroom run in cancer causing terror. Its unfortunate I can never get him back because...of course my farts don't stink.

The Dick Dance

Like all things in life it just kinda happened. I moved in with one comedian, then met and fell in love with another comedian.  One thing led to another and two years later I'm still living with the funny man. This blog will probably be in random happenstances. In order or not, who gives?

Dick Dance:

Let me clarify the title ladies and gentlemen. We have all experienced it, whether it is from a little boy or a grown man, the art of the “Dick Dance”. In my entire 28 years of living I have never seen a more perfect display of man meat slap tappin' skills. If there was a reality show contest Paula Abdul would be shook sane with his dick dancin' skill. Flawless executions of the classics, “The Helicopter”, “Horizontal and Vertical Slap” sometimes with a “Hamburger” twist, any man in food service or in a mechanic's shop knows exactly what that is. Now some of you may not be impressed with such amateur moves, well there are new ones:

The Look Ma No Hands (perhaps the creepiest of all dick dances, it’s all in the eyes)
Floating Fantastic (this one involves a Gold's total work out home gym pull up bar)
The Toot Scoot Boogie (just imagine what it might be, it's worse trust me)
The Long Neck Hang Down (only when it's hot)
Short Man's Waltz (only when getting out of a pool or in the winter)
Flip Flop (to hip hop music)
Bang Your Head (80's heavy metal jams)
Twist and Shout (only to the Beatles or while watching Ferris Beuller's Day Off)

Of course being a comedian, he does have time to practice and perfect these dances. Having a full length mirror helps, being alone in your hotel room helps. With all the classics and the new favorites sometimes it's very hard to ever be upset or mad. So men I advise, practice makes perfect, and ladies, sit back and enjoy the show.